A guy arrives at the Pearly Gates and St, Peter asks him to relate a good deed he had done.
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm, well I was driving down a road and I saw a giant group of hoodlums harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them abusing this poor woman.
"Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6 foot 4 inch, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the others formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next.
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'''
St. Peter, duly impressed, says, "Wow! When did this happen?"
"Oh, about three minutes ago."
An old man asks a Wizard if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard replies, "Maybe, but you'll have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man answers without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
One cabbie says to another, "Why do you have one side of your cab painted blue and the other side painted green?"
"Well," said the other cabbie. "when I get in an accident, the police always believe my version of what happened, because the witnesses always contradict each other."
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